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I am all ears 

I am good listener and a good secret keeper

The raging office politics, the secret love affair gone wrong, the unconfessed sins, discrimination in college and workplace, bad scores, lack of confidence, childlessness, in laws harassment,Loneliness, there is so much a person undergoes and sometimes all we need is a person to hear us out, a shoulder to cry on. 

Man or woman, boy or girl, if u want someone to rant, to hear your troubles, just some person to hear a good word or advise,i am all ears. If not sure if the secrets will go out, you can use an anonymous account. 

Avoid taking wrong turns, avoid suicides.  Share your pain. But never end it all at once. Once dead, nothing can be ever changed. There is hope as long as we live. Cling on to hope. 

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May not make it big 

Not sure about how many of us can make it big in life. Big house, big package, big fat weddings, posh luxury stays. Not sure, how much and how many of us can make it king size.

But we can make it deep. Deep in experience, deep in roots, in memories, in feelings, in making the best of what we have , in making every day count, in depth of relationships within family, in giving roots  and wings to our kids, in showing them the way through the way we live, in making a home full of love and care.

Anyone can do that, much more a person who has tasted Christ can.

I am more of interested in quality, less in quantity. Increasingly,  people are focusing more on quanity, showing the amount of cash we have, the power we have, yet the amount of people we really impact is less. To influence is easy, to impact is the thing.

We can influence with our lifestyle, our dress or luxury,  but we impact with our character, our choices and our contribution in people’s  lives. So there, I want to create an impact in atleast my sons life. Help him in the journey, till at least he can  be independent enough to take on life.

So there,  it’s not about how big we are, but how deep we live.

Changed life: A sure testimony 

This first applies to me, then to everyone else. 

I have heard many people give awesome supernatural testimonies. But seldom we can see a changed person. In fact I know people who can recite almost most of Bible without seeing,yet remain the same in being greedy for money, angry, envious and lustful. 

How can it be that we know Christ for 30 years and yet we remain the same. In fact changing ourselves can never happen even if we try hard. It only happens when we allow him to work him our lives and surrender ourselves to his will. 

Change in us is the sure testimony of the only living God. It is easy to memorize the scripture, attend all the mass meetings held, hear best of sermons, yet tough to bring a small change in us. 

But remember, God makes all things possible. 

2018 ends thus… 

On the last days as I look back to thank God, to analyze, to ponder, 2018 was a very eventful year for me. Not one day was slack or Mundane. Spiritually also, I felt strong God’s presence in my life amidst troubles. 

At this very moment I have come back to square one. I am again at a point where uncertainty lurks, not knowing what to do next. But still I praise Jesus because atleast I have him compared to others who don’t have him. At least, there is a assurance I can call on Abba father. 

One has to yoke to Christ to ease on this life Or else, this era we live in is extremely stressful and complicated. Time to time to disentangle from the knots,  I resort to Christ. Only in him is a ray of hope for a hopeless soul. 

I have just learnt that everyone is playing. Playing with cards they have. Cards of being pretty, being rich, etc etc  And I have no cards to play. I am just blankly watching the games.  

I just realized that I have to start all over the process of lkg to college to job hunt, marriage and all over again for Jady and I am in no mood for all this. 

I just realized that it’s been ages since I have been happy. I mean the without reason being happy as when I was a kid. 

I just realized I need to find some source of money other than this corporate which sinks me  from time to time. 

I realize that i am more than content with 1 kid for the time being but 20 years later when I see others having 2 kids and Jady all alone, I will feel bad for taking that decision. So the dilemma remains. 

I realize that i am not even half a good mother compared to my mother. Actually I need to work on it a lot. A mother can never afford to me like me, irresponsible and slothful. 

I just lost my grandfather and it is paining me a lot. And my grandmother is in a delicate state. That too is paining me a lot. 

I realize that i need good vibes and lots of happiness and blessings or else I will go mad with sadness. 

I realize that Pain is the only true feeling in this world. Everything else is an illusion. And in the end only one thing matters most in life, that is our covenant with Christ. Rest everything is an illusion.

Optimism is for the blind 

I have been a pessimist all my life. And people hate me for the negative thinking, but I realize that positive thinking is just a fools ways of consoling himself. 

I will clear this interview, says the person who does not understand the politics within companies. 

I love this boy, will marry him and be  happily married ever after, says the girl, who does not understand that choosing her was a well calculated move, and after a few years of marrying her, she will be furniture at his house, and when she is old, he will be attracted to a younger girl,forgetting all the love of his wife. 

I am rich, thinks the person who does not know that his wealth will be taken away by some girl and boy who marry his kids. And he will be forced in one room, when he is longer able to walk without help. 

A stay in resort, a girl posts pics, but that stay was for a couple of days, because they could not afford for a month, they do not mention. 

Honeymoon pics, pre and post wedding photos, it’s all an eyewash and you were never even a first love or choice, my heart says. 

I am not pessimistic. I just see through reality. I am not hopeless, just don’t belive in false hopes. 

These are not very good thoughts to pen down. But Just occurred to me. 

The woman I adore. 

a woman far ahead of her times, my grandmother, my Patti,is my inspiration and role model. A retired school teacher, she was  one of the rare educated woman in her village. She walked miles every day to go to work and be back, managed fields and did farming whenever she could, she bought and managed property in those days when women were supposed to be confined in kitchen.

She was a pretty woman in her young age, I still call her sundari kutty.
She had a strong  sense of social responsibility. She started a small saving scheme within her village women, where each women had to contribute a small amount of money each month, and when anyone amongst them needed money, they could take loan from the group. The idea was to prevent borrowing money from abusive wealthy landlords and thus falling into debt cycle.

When I was a little girl, she taught me to do maths with ease. All my bedtime stories were from bible, she bought me my first Bible and taught me to read it.
When I was sick, She was quick with home remedies. When mom scolded me at times, she was to my rescue. When I was a teenager she would advise on  how girls  should be careful. When I wore shorts at home, while I expected her to be angry, she said instead, “this is a real comfortable dress isn’t it.”

She was a devout Christian, who till today prays fervently for us. Now At 80 plus years of age, she cooks for self and manages on her own and lives on her pension ,refusing her children’s help.
she uses a small zero watt bulb even today while sleeping. When asked why she recites the horror of her neighbor trying to kill her and rob her at night when she was pregnant. Her varied experiences remind me that life is much safer and easier today.
She has even now an almirah of nicely folded sarees. She believes a working woman should always  dress neatly and decently.
There are many a women whom I stalk on Instagram and follow in fb,But in the real practical life, the woman who is etched in my heart and mind is my grandmother.

Her name is Valli. For me she is sundari kutty.

Better than ever 

I am in a pathetic state in a worldly sense. Job, money, identity, married life, even a life for my own I don’t have now (whole time goes off in Jaden)  Yet I am better than ever. I cannot say how happy I am. And better and better I get. Thank you Jesus for this rest. I needed one. 

I am not able anymore, I have succumbed. And let go. No great talks and no great dreams. I live my best everyday. 

While I have time, I must read bible and fill myself of holy spirit, I do not know when I will get busy. 

This is the only thing I need to do now. Rest I leave to destiny. 

But this I know. I am better than ever. This time, this blessed season will not come again. 

This rest is given my God. Rest of mind and soul. 

Systems that fail us

As we live this life on earth, we will follow many of the systems, this world has created in order to survive. The educational system, the marriage, the companies we work for,etc.  It is inevitable to not fail in any of these. 

As we cross each of these, no matter how much we try to be perfect, we will fail in one or more of these systems. These systems are worldly systems which manipulate the truth, and make us believe we are successful or failures. But the truth of,  are we successful or not only God knows. 

Many colleges Purposefully fail some students, many companies Purposefully sideline people and fail to give them correct promotions. Many families of groom and bride do everything to prove the partner they chose is  not worth. Families and own blood manipulate situations and scenarios to suit their monetary and political benefits. 

Sometimes,  when systems are right, our strength in a particular area fails us.  Sometimes,  one particular subject is beyond our intellectual ability. Some people are emotionally weak and cannot handle a situation. Some make a mess of their marriage lives when their spouse is perfect. 

Some or the other system on earth will fail us for sure. What we need to do is, submit and live in God’s grace and will, so that even our failures are in the direction which he wills to take us. 

A low or high score before joining college, when done our best and submitted to his will, will end up shaping 3 or 4 years as per his will.  A Layoff in a company where we did our best and left the rest in God’s hands, will take us to new ventures in his grace.  

Failures are not absolute failures. It’s in a area, a small part of our huge cosmic existence. If it takes us close to his huge plan on earth,then it is never a failure in reality as the world  forces you to believe. 

Analyze the failures in God’s light, before succumbing to worlds pressure of feeling like a loser. 

My grandparents, now great grandparents:blessed Jaden. 

The month was a real blessing for me. The Lord granted some deep desires of my heart. After 5 years of marriage and 2 years of planning i revisited my native, my birthplace, Tirunelveli. 

One of the biggest desires I had in life, was to get married in front of my maternal grandparents and  show them my son, their great grandson, so that they can bless him.  

My maternal grandmother (patti)  has been my role model. A women far ahead of her times. She is the reason we are in a good position today. A devout Christian, a retired school teacher, one of the only rare educated women in the village, people showered her with respect and still do, teacher Amma they call her.  

My maternal grandfather(thatha) , a educated person, a Congress member, a known personality in tirunelveli district,  was well acquainted with many big people and his whole life he has spend helping people get education and jobs. The number of people he has helped reach a good position in life are many. 

Now both are frail and lean. 

In my wedding, my thatha only took and gave my thalli (mangalsutra).  I feel so blessed to have them in my life. 

Also, I was with my in laws, my aunts, my cousins, my relatives. All of them showered their love and attention on Jaden. I was full of nostalgia and a deep sadness, that i am not a part of this life on a regular basis. 

I can never express the joy, the love, the gratitude I feel when I step down on the land of nellai. There is a scent in air, it’s only found here, scent of nature and fresh air.  Now where else I have smelled this scent. 

I feel deeply sad, about not being there for long. But I thank the Lord for his faithfulness towards us. 4 generations of faithfulness. 

Thank you Jesus for this faithfulness. 

This is a pic of my grandmother, with me and my little sis as kids. It was taken in kochin, where we lived then. 

December 16,2017

The whole year went away like a wind that passes. I have spent the whole year mostly taking care of my baby, running behind him, doing Nothing of the world’s so called great doings yet doing the best of what I  can do now, while out of office, giving lots of interviews, preparing the best for technical knowledge, not to forget I had 2 heart warming trips to the best of resorts in India, and 3 nostalgic trips to Chennai, kochi and Gurgaon. Meeting my old college friends, being to the places I grew up as a kid, to the lanes I played in, meeting my office friends after around 2 years. So much the Lord granted blessings to me. 

As they say, day by day nothing changes, but when we look back, everything is changed. I just hope things are changing in the right direction.  Thank you Lord, for such an awesome year. For all the goodness, and divine protection against evil, and leading me in a watered garden. After many years of turbulence and pains, I got a year of mental rest. And it was the Lord who granted it to me. 

A thousand tongues truly cannot praise you enough Lord for your doings in my life. Can I stop saying after I have tasted your goodness. 

Though I have unanswered prayers,i will surely keep calm, as I know the Lord is my shepherd I shall not want. 

This is the lane we lived 21 years back. 21 years of God’s grace and mercy. 

The next 15 days as the year ends, I have no big to do list. Just lay back, rest and soak in Christmas feel and joy.

Merry Christmas to one and all.