Thoughts on birthday

The last decade was tough. full of heartbreaks, failures, changes, sickness and few good things. But constantly Gods grace sustained me.

The 2 years when I left god as a prodigal son,the father came in search of me while I was suffering and found me, embraced me. Lesson learnt: no matter what happens in life, never leave bible and prayer.

Money I earned in the past decade is less or negligible. If I had not been married and career would have gone as I had planned, I would have had so many lacs extra by now. But instead I have a husband and son. And my son is the best thing that has happened so far in my life.

Many unfulfilled dreams and desires yet in my heart and mind. Let me see if I am able to make best out of life the coming years.But I am sure the next decade will be less turbulent and more of a predictable journey, revolving around Jaden.

My battle is now against myself. Against anger, bitterness,rage, ego, envy and hatred.

Health, happiness, safety, progress and lots of love. This is the list I want for the years ahead. Amen.

Time to be a ‘Reality show judge’ 

Famous actresses after marriage or child birth when offers they get reduces or their market value decreases due to other actresses  takeover, opt for this career. It pays them decent and keeps their career going, while being at home with their kids when needed. The latest being kareena in the line. It’s shocking  that despite her lineage and family being top bollywood family, after so much promotion of her pregnancy, workout after childbirth and her sons constant being in the lime light, she became a reality show judge and could not get movie offers. 

Also, the wives of big actors like Shahrukh khan, Akshay Kumar and hrithik Roshan have another career line . They launch fashion brands, decome interior designers and write books and blogs,which God knows who actually does and remain discredited. 

Why am I  stating these now, that these big shots have an alternative to their career. While we middle class women, working in IT industry or core companies, when after marriage or children if we want some alternative which is less time bound, yet paying decently, we fail to find one. One job which many people suggest is teaching. As it pays decent and gives time for family. But I feel teaching is a very serious job and only those passionate about making students succeed should go for it and not to just while away time. 

Some girls I know have started creche or daycare, which again I will never venture into as it is very delicate job to deal with those little beings. 

So there, is there a job as a reality show judge or an interior designer which these big shots do? 

Ponder on this and if you come up with some idea share with me guys!! 

‘Fishy’  palkova

Palkova is one of my favorite sweets. Made from milk, boiled and  condensed, added sugar to until becomes solid. Looks like this. 
It has  long cooking time as we have to keep stirring the milk to avoid getting burnt. As I had excess milk at home, I started making palkova, in the heat of Gurgaon summer, standing in front of stove for a long time, was an unwanted thing to begin with. But the desire to eat palkova was so much that any effort did not matter. 

After hours of stirring and making a perfect palkova. Allowed it to cool a bit, put in a bowl and sat to relish the dish. And with first spoon in mouth, goosh… I tasted  fish. Yaak..again to be sure I tried licking and tasting again without puking. Not sure of how this is happening and just to be sure, I got this tasted by hubby also. Result was the same. It was all fish+palkova taste. One of the yukkiest taste. 

After wondering I realized just 2 days back, I had made fish curry in the same kadai in which made palkova. While i prepare fish curry , I never eat it, only my family does. Tamarind, coconut milk, fish, spices, all cooked for long time. Even after washing kadai, I think in molecular level, the ingredients seeped into the aluminum kadai and remained there. Or else it’s some other  scientific phenomenon i do not get yet. 

Anyways, it spoilt my mood to an extent that I had vomiting sensation and an aversion of palkova anywhere for many days. 

Sudden snakes 

Had some sudden storms and snakes in life. I had no clue of these storms coming  and don’t know how to deal with or move forward with these. But this I know that HE who created me knows my frame and will not allow me to be tempted beyond what I can handle. If you are reading this, then keep me in prayers. 

Are we run by them? 

The election results put a deep sadness in the hearts of minorities. Unemployment is in an all time high and Caste based atrocities and religion based abuse is something we can expect to be boldly done in the next 5 years. 

But let me remind you, we never had anyone before also to do good. Especially the castes not belonging to the top of the ladder. We never had jobs anyway, we fought with no one to back us up, except for some software Giants and a few seats here and there, we are eating the crumbs thrown by the well fed people. 

As for Christians feeling sad, only those looting poor people’s money, those who fool people by the name of religion need to feel sad. Otherwise, prayer and Bible reading nobody can stop. Even nature will preach Christ, because God is spirit and spirit cannot be stopped or closed in a closet. 

Whom did we have in government before that we fear today of not having governments support. Or for that matter, in offices, where state lobby and powerful Caste people rule and support their own Caste people, whom do we have in offices as well. 

Let not fear reside in your hearts. As we are run by the God, who created the heaven and the earth. Our providence and our refuge is in him. Let us be bold and face the future with courage. 

I am all ears 

I am good listener and a good secret keeper

The raging office politics, the secret love affair gone wrong, the unconfessed sins, discrimination in college and workplace, bad scores, lack of confidence, childlessness, in laws harassment,Loneliness, there is so much a person undergoes and sometimes all we need is a person to hear us out, a shoulder to cry on. 

Man or woman, boy or girl, if u want someone to rant, to hear your troubles, just some person to hear a good word or advise,i am all ears. If not sure if the secrets will go out, you can use an anonymous account. 

Avoid taking wrong turns, avoid suicides.  Share your pain. But never end it all at once. Once dead, nothing can be ever changed. There is hope as long as we live. Cling on to hope. 

May not make it big 

Not sure about how many of us can make it big in life. Big house, big package, big fat weddings, posh luxury stays. Not sure, how much and how many of us can make it king size.

But we can make it deep. Deep in experience, deep in roots, in memories, in feelings, in making the best of what we have , in making every day count, in depth of relationships within family, in giving roots  and wings to our kids, in showing them the way through the way we live, in making a home full of love and care.

Anyone can do that, much more a person who has tasted Christ can.

I am more of interested in quality, less in quantity. Increasingly,  people are focusing more on quanity, showing the amount of cash we have, the power we have, yet the amount of people we really impact is less. To influence is easy, to impact is the thing.

We can influence with our lifestyle, our dress or luxury,  but we impact with our character, our choices and our contribution in people’s  lives. So there, I want to create an impact in atleast my sons life. Help him in the journey, till at least he can  be independent enough to take on life.

So there,  it’s not about how big we are, but how deep we live.

Changed life: A sure testimony 

This first applies to me, then to everyone else. 

I have heard many people give awesome supernatural testimonies. But seldom we can see a changed person. In fact I know people who can recite almost most of Bible without seeing,yet remain the same in being greedy for money, angry, envious and lustful. 

How can it be that we know Christ for 30 years and yet we remain the same. In fact changing ourselves can never happen even if we try hard. It only happens when we allow him to work him our lives and surrender ourselves to his will. 

Change in us is the sure testimony of the only living God. It is easy to memorize the scripture, attend all the mass meetings held, hear best of sermons, yet tough to bring a small change in us. 

But remember, God makes all things possible. 

2018 ends thus… 

On the last days as I look back to thank God, to analyze, to ponder, 2018 was a very eventful year for me. Not one day was slack or Mundane. Spiritually also, I felt strong God’s presence in my life amidst troubles. 

At this very moment I have come back to square one. I am again at a point where uncertainty lurks, not knowing what to do next. But still I praise Jesus because atleast I have him compared to others who don’t have him. At least, there is a assurance I can call on Abba father. 

One has to yoke to Christ to ease on this life Or else, this era we live in is extremely stressful and complicated. Time to time to disentangle from the knots,  I resort to Christ. Only in him is a ray of hope for a hopeless soul. 

I have just learnt that everyone is playing. Playing with cards they have. Cards of being pretty, being rich, etc etc  And I have no cards to play. I am just blankly watching the games.  

I just realized that I have to start all over the process of lkg to college to job hunt, marriage and all over again for Jady and I am in no mood for all this. 

I just realized that it’s been ages since I have been happy. I mean the without reason being happy as when I was a kid. 

I just realized I need to find some source of money other than this corporate which sinks me  from time to time. 

I realize that i am more than content with 1 kid for the time being but 20 years later when I see others having 2 kids and Jady all alone, I will feel bad for taking that decision. So the dilemma remains. 

I realize that i am not even half a good mother compared to my mother. Actually I need to work on it a lot. A mother can never afford to me like me, irresponsible and slothful. 

I just lost my grandfather and it is paining me a lot. And my grandmother is in a delicate state. That too is paining me a lot. 

I realize that i need good vibes and lots of happiness and blessings or else I will go mad with sadness. 

I realize that Pain is the only true feeling in this world. Everything else is an illusion. And in the end only one thing matters most in life, that is our covenant with Christ. Rest everything is an illusion.